My Hidden Gray World.
Before the pandemic, I kept to myself most of the time and didn’t really actively sought companionship among my peers in my block, other classes, or even orgs. While it may seem to be a lonely life, I was quite content with it since walking around campus on my way home let me appreciate my surroundings. I remember clearly the light passing between the branches and leaves, the cool wind coupled with the warmth of the sun enveloping my body, and the conversations heard in Gonzaga hall, Red Brick Road, and JSEC. During those times, the air tasted sweet, the world looked vibrant and the noise, as well as silence, can be appreciated. The best part of the day was always going home after my work was done. The noise and exhaust from the cars with music in my ears, cramped between 2 people in the jeep while enjoying the lingering taste of the last meal I ate and letting my mind wander. By the time I arrived home, the clothes I change into felt liberating now that I can lounge around as I please and enjoy my games and Netflix.
All of that peace and serenity was interrupted the very moment I was sick of staying inside. At first, I was elated at the notion that I would only stay inside, shutting myself away and spending my days in comfort. I could spend several hours appreciating the warmth of my bed, the taste of all the snacks I could eat, and the aroma of home cooked meals that I don’t need to pay for. As time went by, the sensations I looked forward to began to lose their uniqueness. My warm bed slowly felt heavy and difficult to escape from, food tasted bland after having them for almost half a year and the liberating clothes I wore at home now felt restrictive now that I wear them everyday and I have lost the motivation to uphold my responsibilities now that I am always comfortable.
Even special occasions and feasts are not exempt from this, grilling burgers and having a cheese platter with wine didn’t even help me escape feeling numb.
I used to welcome the heat of the grill in anticipation of eating juicy burgers that would also taste cheesy, spicy, crunchy or savory depending on what I want to put whether it be jalapeño, cheese whiz, lettuce, tomato, bacon, or even condiments. Unfortunately, it came to a point where I put so many conflicting flavors and couldn’t taste any of them so I always felt full, but never satisfied.
The loss in enjoyment from the sensations I looked forward to hitting it’s peak the moment Typhoon Ulysses and Rolly hit. I would have enjoyed the cool air that the rain brought and the typhoons were no exception. Even if there were countless posts about the welfare of the people affected, the warm taste of hot chocolate and the cool wind passing between the seams of my sweater were always welcome to me. However, the realization that my batchmates could potentially lose their homes and their mode of learning made these privileges feel sour. My tongue felt numb to the heat of the hot chocolate and my sweater became itchy and uncomfortable. Despite slowly becoming numb to the joys of my comfort, I never told anyone of it since my concerns are not valid in the face of what others are experiencing.
With nothing to look forward to after I work, the motivation to study slowly dwindled since there was no longer anything to make me truly happy now that I am numb to all of them. I know I should be thankful that I still have a roof over my head, clothes on my body, and can access my studies, but it’s difficult once the joy in the reward of putting in the effort can no longer be savored. Even if I was never really a fan of asynchronous classes since it didn’t feel like a class, I still put in the effort to submit on time since that feeling of accomplishment was recaptured and my reward felt earned, but even that was lost after the typhoon hit and I began to submit things much later than I should have which wastes the effort made by my professors to be more considerate to those affected, leaving me feeling guilty and more numb to everything that makes me happy.
This hasn’t been a very good week, but the reason why I don’t want to tell anyone about these concerns of mine is that I am privileged so these issues of mine must stay hidden as there are tons of problems to solve and mine isn’t part of the list. I still have my house, my laptop, and all the luxuries I could ask for, and yet none of them could ever make me feel the sensations that once brought me comfort after a long day. It is best that I keep this hidden as it is my responsibility to push forward even if I feel nothing at the end of it and my lack of sensation is my burden to bear.
